A teacher I respect asked me and the group I was with to start to pay attention to endings, how we manage them, why, and notice and adjustments we want to make. He said it was a fast path to growth.

Endings? Like canceling a once-valued service, blocking a former friend on social media, or dealing with death? Yes, was all he said. Then he asked, what do you notice about the end of a breath? Are you on to the next one, or do you allow that breath to fully expel? Like most of life, I was focused on the next one. No guilt, just awareness. With awareness, I adjusted.

I started to think about my former housekeeper, a lady who cleaned my house for a year. I recently fired her for stealing. How did that ending go? Well, I had fired her two previous times. Sometimes she wouldn't show up when we had agreed. Then she was beg for her job back and I relented. I felt for her situation, not making much money. She agreed to change, but lack the ability to manage herself.

This time she helped me move and stole several items from me. Her son, to whom I had given much, helped her do it. I felt played and betrayed. 

I thought about the best way to end the relationship. Like the breath, what would be the most skillful way to manage the ending? We spoke on the phone, she eventually admitted to taking things I didn't give her and I let her know that I wouldn't be able to employ her any longer.

Until today. She showed up to the new city. She waited on the street to make her case for a rehire. Normally I would have made my point with anger, but today I stayed calm and kept repeating, I can't allow you to work in my new home because you chose to take things I didn't give you. Calm carried more power than anger ever could have, and after the third round of "I can't allow you..." she relented. Yes, she cried because that worked before. When tears didn't work, she took a bully tone with me. That's never worked, but she was running out of options. 

We parted, not as friends, but the ending "stuck" this time and I respected the way I did it. 

Most of my life, I've dealt with endings unskillfully. I lived in Peru as a church representative and would be sent to a new area every 4 to 6 months. I hated saying goodbye to people I had grown to love so I would leave quickly once I got my new orders, then catch up with them later by phone or mail. Why? I didn't like how it felt when, face to face, they cried or had an emotional reaction I couldn't sooth in some way. This form of avoidance felt better.

Weird I know, but these behaviors come from painful endings we experienced as children. We manage the discomfort in the best way we know to take care of ourselves. My father abandoned a dog I loved. Dick move, and it devasted my tender little heart. Would my dog be okay where my father left him when we drove away? Why would he do that? What kind of monster ridicules a six year old for crying about his lost dog? 

You too have learned to manage your internal emotional state with certain behaviors. What how you navigate endings to understand, see and acknowledge your patterns. No guilt needed, just allow yourself to see clearly the patterns. Then begin to act in new ways. Change can be that easy.

I noticed that I loved blocking or unfriending Trump supporters on social media. Loved. I know, I know, how can you influence people you cut off? You can't. But oh how I loved cutting the cord with a little "fuck off you dumb ass" playing in the background of my mind. 

Skillful? Well, I allowed myself to see what was. And well, yes I was missing influence opportunities. My book "Coach Them Out" works, it really does...IF you love the other person enough to patiently influence them. Through the eyes of awareness, I didn't see much love in my heart for the Trump supporter. None. And...I enjoyed the hell out of cutting those dumbasses out of my life.

Did I eventually pivot? Yes. I started to engage more with those who held deep right wing beliefs. My book "The Cage Fight No One is Winning" came out of many conversations I had with right winger who saw socialism as a cancer. It's not. Winning economies tell a different story and the book attempts to identify how to mix market with socialistic choices to optimize an economy. But the point is, the pivot away from ending relationships helped me write a book I'm proud of.

Endings. Just see your patterns. Are you avoidant? The fastest path to change is to start acting more direct, like opening the dark closet and seeing inside with eyes wide open. I'm not as nice as I used to be, but am much more assertive. Nice worked to manage my internal states, but gave me a weak posture. Assertive allowed my strength to shine through in a way that opened the door to win-win solutions. The path to change started with awareness and got traction the more I intentionally acted assertively in service of worthy outcomes.

What are your endings like? Hurried so you can get to the next breath or mindfully complete? Avoidant? Notice. See. Then pivot if you want to. Change can be like jumping on a bike and seeing how long you can keep the thing upright. With small wins, you feel confident to keep trying. And eventually you fly.

If I've transitioned from this life without saying goodbye, just know that I preferred it that way and we'll catch up when you transition. Until then, grow.